I’ve been a Headline Contributor at The Onion since July of 2023. It’s against The Onion’s policy for writers to take direct credit for their work online, so if you’re interested in which headlines I wrote, please reach out to me privately! Otherwise, just assume I had a hand in all your favorites.

I have been a Headline Contributor at Reductress since July of 2023. Here’s a selection of headlines I’ve written for them in that time:

Joe Biden Promises Nation to Give Hunter Good Spanking When He Gets Home

I LIVED IT: My Family Asked Me What I’m Thankful For

How to Run the Turkey Trot So Slow That You Never Have to Go Back to Your Family

Impossible! This Person Was Normal About Their Birthday

Donald Trump Nominates Movies as Secretary of Education

Donald Trump Nominates Plastic Six-Pack Rings as Head of the EPA

Nation Rejects Far-Left Position of ‘Woman’

Woman Waiting Until Election to Decide if She Going to Thanksgiving This Year

Woman Voting for Unknown Candidate in Local Election Taking Leap of Faith That They Not Nazi

Lazy Piece-of-Shit? This Woman Is Waiting Until Election Day to Vote in Election

Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend? This Woman Loves Her Grandmother

One of the Good Ones! This Man Only Hates Women a Little Bit

Government Left Unprepared for Monthly Once-in-a-Generation Hurricane

Woman Waiting to Pay Parking Tickets Just in Case Government Forgets About Them

Man Fails Written Portion of First Date

‘I Love This Song,’ Says Person About to Get 100% of Words Wrong

5 Cat Treats That Are Actually Human Meals You Made for Yourself

Dog Worried That Owner Isn’t Being Social Enough With Other Owners at Dog Park

Man Who Used Exclamation Point in Email Worried He Coming Across to Kind and Cooperative

Cautious Woman Writes ‘But Not Yet’ After Checking Organ Donor Box

Cute Old Couple Actually on First Date and It Not Going Well

Woman Brings Long List of Ailments to Doctor Like Child Visiting Santa

Second Coming of Christ Pushed Back to Avoid Clashing With ‘Shrek 5’ Release

Woman Makes Sure to Have a Balanced Breakfast of Three Advil Every Morning

Modern Day Atlas? This Woman Is Carrying Around the Weight of These Big Chunky Earrings

Woman Needs to Be Alone in Treehouse for a While

Woman Wakes Up to Cat Prematurely Eating Her Body

Woman’s Hair Still a Little Wet From Shower Last Week

Mutant Mole Man on Outskirts of Society Thinks You’re a 4

Woman With Common Cold Going to Take It Easy for Next Few Months

Injured Woman Screams in Agony When Someone Said They Called an Ambulance

Woman Misses Window for Spring Cleaning, Will Try Again Next Year

Woman Uses Her One Day Off to Successfully Fuck Up Her Entire Sleep Schedule

Confident Woman Writes “The Normal Amount” Under Expected Salary on Job Application

Prepared Woman Has Sunscreen in Three Different States of Matter

How to Seem Better in Bed by Being Worse in Every Other Aspect of Life

Woman Can’t Start the Day Without Her Cup of ADHD Medication

Grandma’s Vintage Jewelry Box Mostly Being Used for Weed Now

Woman on Horse Achieves Most Powerful State of Being

Person on LinkedIn Wondering if You Could Fix Their Whole Life for Them

University Working Hard to Ensure Columbia Will Never Be Known as a Safety School

‘You Know Who You Look Like?’ Says Soon-to-Be Enemy

Embarrassing! Woman Thinks Her Dreams Will Come True With a Little Hard Work

Woman Knows She Could Just Fuck Up a Spelling Bee Right Now

REPORT: Just Because Fake Plant Doesn’t Need Water Doesn’t Mean It Wouldn’t Like Some

Kim Kardashian Releases Diss Swimwear Collection in Response to Taylor Swift’s New Song

Oh No! Book You Wanted to Read Has Cover With Ugly Font

Dormant Finsta From 2015 Now a Relic of a Bygone Era Where Woman Was Fun

Woman Goes Blind After Looking Boss Directly Into Eyes for Too Long

QUIZ: Are You an Eldest Child, a Youngest Child, or the Other One?

Woman Can’t Believe How Young and Foolish She Used to Be Six Months Ago

Roommate Leaves Entire Hair Extension on Wall of Shower

Woman Just Wants Somebody Who Has All the Same Opinions About Movies

Couple With Twelve Baby Name Books Settles on ‘John’

‘This Is Just Like The Sopranos,’ Says Woman After Going to Therapy and Also Committing Crimes

The Grammys Announce Taylor Swift’s Next Album Already Winner of 2025 Album of the Year

Woman Just Happy for the Opportunity to Partake in Company’s Dehumanizing Interview Process

3 Glee Covers That Are Better Than the Original, But Worse Than A.I. Mr. Krabs Singing It

Betrayal? Person You’ve Never Actually Met Just Unfollowed You

‘Let’s Make a Pros and Cons List,’ Says Parent About Thing You Already Said ‘No’ To

Mariah Carey Gets Some Guy for Christmas for 30th Year in a Row

Jesus Wondering if He’s Going to Get Two Sets of Presents for His Birthday and Christmas, or Just One

Host Knows Perfect Board Game to Turn Fun Party Around

Woman With Big Water Bottle Achieves Constant State of Pissing

This Shirt Fits Me Perfectly. Here’s Why I Must Cut It Up.

4 Must-Have Ankle Band-Aids to Pair With Your New Loafers

New David Beckham Documentary Details Exactly How He Gets Hair Like That

Growth? Woman Submits One Minute Before Deadline Instead of One Minute After

How to Walk With as Much Confidence as Your Cat Walking Across Your Keyboard

Woman Being Criticized for Not Shaving Her Legs by Man Who Doesn’t Even Wash His

‘This Is Where the Sex Happens,’ Says Magician Gesturing to Bedroom

Strappy Heels Excited to Break In New Woman